On Surviving Week 1

Here's the beginning of what I hope will become a long list of many missions accomplished: I survived my first week. 

On Tuesday, the enormity of this change really hit me, and not just like a ton of bricks, but like the force of a giant wave knocking me out and taking me under, leaving no chance to even gasp for that last breath of air. In my head I thought, Whelp, never mind, I don't want to do this. It's gonna be too hard... 

I wanted to get back in my car and drive the 400 miles home to safety, back to my family, my friends, to the people who know me. I've felt very anxious, knowing that just outside the door to my apartment are hundreds of thousands of people, none of them familiar, none of them even knowing my name. I've been experiencing a new kind of lonely, of complete anonymity in a foreign place... somewhere that's so dramatically different than any place I've ever known or called home. No one knows me, or why I'm here, or what I'm capable of, and as it turns out, that can be a really intimidating and overwhelming thought. 

I immediately fell into my first instincts of wanting to hide when I find myself in stressful situations, hoping everything on the outside that's scary will disappear and return itself back to what I'm used to, sooner rather than later. I've been longing for anything that feels even remotely close to a comfort zone for me, but no matter where I turn, everything is terrifying and unfamiliar. I've felt very uneasy, and unlike myself, not even comfortable in my own skin when I venture out and get lost among the masses. 

What on earth made you think you could do this? the voice in my head keeps repeating.

Then I remind myself to be patient, that adjusting to this new life is going to take time, and a lot of it. There are so many things in life that just take time -- time to heal, time to understand, time to learn or grow -- and I think it's one of the most frustrating things we ever have to go through... to know the feeling of, I know I'll feel better in time, but I want to feel better now. It's one of the greatest experiences with patience that we can ever have, and I've been trying to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind as I continue to tell myself that I'll feel better tomorrow, and even better on the next day, and maybe even pretty good the day after that. 

I knew I wouldn't adjust overnight. I knew it would be a long road ahead before I'd start feeling settled in a new environment surrounded by new people. So I just have to be patient and allow the pieces to fall into place whenever they might be ready to. What exactly did I expect to have figured out in one week anyway?

I didn't come all the way out here just to give up after only a few days. I'm better than that. Maybe when life gets hard and you find yourself struggling a bit, it's only a sign to make you realize that you're actually living it, not just hiding somewhere waiting impatiently for everything to get better.