Thursday, February 19, 2015

Looking Back for a Moment

Several years ago in 2010, I started a blog, just to try it out. There wasn't really any theme to it, just more of a random collection of various thoughts I had, whether serious reflections about life or online recordings of lighthearted conversations I'd tend to have with myself. I didn't even think that people -- friends or even occasional cyber passers-by -- might be reading it, but rather that the words I'd type just sort-of went out into the abyss of the World Wide Web and disappeared somewhere. 

I still have all of those old posts saved, and every once in a while I'll read a few to remember what I was thinking and going through back then. Based on titles alone, I'll either remember exactly what a certain post is about or have absolutely no recollection whatsoever. It just so happens that the other day, I started reading one, and each word was as new to me as rereading a book you haven't read in at least ten years. It was so pertinent to what's going on in my life right now that I simply had to share it.


Posted Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"The Cost of Happiness"

I overheard an interesting conversation in a coffee shop a few days ago. A young (and seemingly immature) man, in his early twenties at the oldest, was having a discussion with a female friend about moving to New York City. I heard her say that she knows how happy it would make him to live there, but that she thinks he would really struggle with the extreme difference in cost of living. He didn't care to think of that, of course, because living in the big city was all he ever wanted.

Sure, money can't buy you love. Or happiness, for that matter. But sometimes it seems like money can get us the things we want, which will in turn make us happy.

Right now in my life, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I have a job that I enjoy immensely. I have a great apartment with a nice view. I can stop at Starbucks or Roebeks whenever and not feel guilty about spending $5 for a smoothie or coffee. I can go out to dinner and not worry about whether or not I'll be able to pay my rent for the month. But, I live in an area where the cost of living is fairly low, so I'm able to have nice things for myself.

Where would I live if I could pick any city without worrying about the cost of living? San Francisco. What car would I love to be driving? A Corvette Z06. Would I be broke? Most likely.

See, I'm too rational to be thinking about moving somewhere I couldn't afford. I like having a little bit of extra money to not only provide breathing room in my budget, but also to spend on doing fun things. Of course I would be happy living in SF, but the stress of being able to pay for everything could definitely affect that happiness. There would be so many things to do and cultural things to see, but would I be able to spend money there like I do in Akron? Is it too much of a risk to assume I'd be able to live out West? I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life if I don't have to be!

I'm not the most spontaneous person you'll ever meet, to say the least. I couldn't just pick up and move everything I have to New York (like our young gentleman mentioned above) without having some sort of plan. Without having a job lined up. Without having a budget drawn up. Does that make me too cautious, too boring? Would I be happier if I moved where I wanted to now, even though my funds would be extremely tight? 

I also tend to get comfortable in a place and usually feel anxiety over making big changes in my life. But, when I think of that, I think of a fortune from a cookie I saved and stuck to my refrigerator: You'll never discover new oceans unless you lose sight of the shore.

I get frustrated sometimes that money has so much control over how we are able to live our lives. I'm one of those people who thinks everyone deserves to be happy and live a comfortable life. I might assume by saying that it seems like everyone at some point wants something that is juuuust out of their reach, like buying that expensive car or living in an expensive city. For others, unfortunately, it could be having enough money to buy groceries or pay their electric bill.

It's difficult for me to come to a conclusion on this one. I work hard for what I have, but there is no doubt that the most direct cause of my happiness is everyone in my life who I love and who loves me. THAT you can't buy. For everything else, I can do what I want and what I can do. We're only here once, right?

I have a friend that always asks, "So are you going to move to California?" I usually reply, "Prooooobably. Someday. Maybe." And she'll always say, "Just do it." I guess sometimes we might as well throw rationality out the window and just do it. I was feeling particularly optimistic one day and said, "If I die tomorrow and have one penny left in my bank account, people will know I had fun the night before." Maybe if I hold back too much, I won't get very far. I'd imagine we all get reimbursed at the end anyway by being able to say, "Yep. That was a fun ride."


Should I go out on some kind of a limb here and say that the JMP from four years ago might be surprised by what the present-day JMP has done with her life?

I was reading through that post and a smile spread across my face as I thought, "Yes, yes I definitely wrote this. That was me. That's how I think." I can certainly recognize that at 26, I hadn't yet had some of the experiences that got me to where I am today. I didn't have much money saved up; I wasn't looking for a big change at that time in my life. But that is quite an evolution of self to have over the course of four years, and now perhaps the 30-year-old me (almost 31!) can pat myself on the back and say, Good job, you're breaking your own mold and turning into a very ambitious individual!

I still had that fortune on my refrigerator until recently when I packed it up in a box. There it currently awaits to be displayed in my next kitchen, I suppose. But I'd frequently see it, held up on the fridge by a pink and grey Andy Warhol magnet, as I was considering the possibility of moving to New York. 

While the shore may be safe, away from the uncertainty of the ocean, there's so much I want to discover and experience in my life that I knew a time had come for me to cut the ropes and set sail.


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