Highland Square Vacancy

Last night, I moved my last possession out of my Akron apartment.

I spent the past two evenings (with lots of help from my mom) aggressively cleaning everything, and it honestly felt like I would never actually get everything out of there. Cleaning and emptying my apartment has been my biggest stress for the past month. Once I started hard-core packing, it seemed like stuff would just keep reappearing. I'd open a cabinet and there'd still be pots and pans in it... I'd open a closet door and there'd still be a couple of shirts hanging in it. And I'd throw my hands up in the air in frustration like, "I'll deal with that later." Which is probably why stuff wasn't getting packed in the first place.

The whole packing and moving process was just a general pain in my rump. Perhaps because I had been packing so long, I just couldn't wait to be done with it all. But tonight, after I wiped the last counter and washed the last window, I started vacuuming the empty rooms. And that is when it hit me: I don't live here anymore.

The cute little neighborhood of Highland Square has been my home for four and a half years. It was the first apartment I ever had that was just mine. I stood in my empty living room and looked around, picturing it as it was just a couple of weeks ago, as it was every night when I came home from work and curled up on the couch to relax. I looked around at all the holes in the walls, recalling each picture or piece of art that had been hanging there. There were impressions in the carpet where all my furniture sat, and coffee stains from multiple spillings resulting from multiple attacks by my ferocious cat on the walk from the kitchen to the couch.

Then I started remembering certain times I had there, and certain people that had visited. My grandma had come over a few times when she was still alive, and I could picture her sitting on the floor, playing with Harley and smiling up at me. I spent many summer evenings on my balcony, watching the sunset and the traffic pass by through the intersection below. I walked down the street often to my favorite little coffee shop, and met friends for dinner at the nearby restaurants. 

I cried here a lot, and laughed. I came home from good days and bad, and Harley was always here waiting for me, running around the corner whenever I unlocked the door. Now we're venturing out to find a new home and make some new memories. As anxious as I've been to leave this apartment, it was still overwhelming to turn the lights off and close the door, because similarly I knew I was closing another chapter in my life.

Before leaving, I looked around the empty kitchen, thinking, "What did I do? What am I doing?!" The change hadn't hit me yet as hard as it did in that moment. It was a moment of panic, when I thought, "Should I move everything back in? Just as it was?" It was my fear of change talking as I realized I was leaving the most comfortable space I could be in -- my safe haven, my home. I'm going to be surrounded by many uncomfortable places in the coming months, and it'll take a bit of time for a new city to feel like a place where I belong. 

That won't change one thing about Akron, though. It will always be where I come from, and where I grew up. It'll be the place where my friends are, where my family lives, and where my heart is. And the best part is that it'll never be too far away, waiting to welcome me back whenever I feel like I need to visit my home. 

Two Weeks' Notice

I've officially closed in on that special period of time people like to reserve right before they make a big change: Two Weeks.

It's a little funny as I think to myself that I've basically waited an entire year to get to this point, and here I am now, down to the last few days, with so many things I have yet to get done. But aside from rushing around to finish packing up my life's belongings and to clean my almost-empty apartment, there's also a kind of mental preparedness I've been focusing on as I get ready to say goodbye to parts of my life in Ohio.

My whole plan became the most real when I gave notice to my employer at the beginning of December. Up until that point, it was all just an idea in my head of something I might do, or had considered doing. I discussed many possibilities with my mom, sister, and close friends, and spent quite a bit of time in my head dreaming up scenarios in which my plan might or might not actually work. When it comes down to it, I have no idea whether it will work or not, and I'll never be able to find out for sure unless I try. Which is terrifying to a person who always likes to have even the smallest of details planned out ahead of time.

When people ask me if I'm excited, I readily reply, "Of course!" And then continue on to explain that I'm also equal-parts terrified. I'm walking into a big unknown, staring lots of questions in the face that don't really even have answers on the horizon yet. Yes, that drives me crazy, but also makes me feel a bit more courageous about myself. Sometimes when I think about what I'm doing, I want to look in the mirror and shake myself, asking "Who are you?!" But then my reflection and I talk about it a little more and reach the conclusion that maybe we're just now getting closer than ever to finding out the answer to that really difficult question.

When things started changing in my life over the past two years, I pretty much closed myself off and retreated into a pattern of hibernation. I tend to do that whenever I'm struggling internally with something, but honestly, it had gone on long enough. I wasn't going to come any closer to who, what, and where I was supposed to be. There were too many occasions of trying to step out of my comfort zone with only one foot and then retreating. I had exhausted myself completely by way of my own fear -- of change, of challenge, of starting over. The fear part is acceptable, but only if I'd make the decision to stand up and face it rather than always choosing to hide. 

No one can fully find a fulfilling life by giving in to what holds them back. That was a decision I had to make: be safe, be comfortable, and keep hiding... or let that all go and be brave, be daring, and start living exceptionally well. 

I'm in for a lot of hard work on the road ahead, especially mentally and emotionally. It certainly won't be dangling one foot out of my comfort zone, it'll be taking a huge leap and leaving the whole thing way the hell behind me. Parts of me even want to run from it and never look back, to stay focused on what's coming up ahead rather than what's falling behind me. None of it really matters anymore anyway.

In its own intimidating way, the unknown is kinda fun. Turns out it's okay every once in a while to not have things exactly planned out and to let myself be surprised a little. 

I connected with Ellie Goulding's song Anything Could Happen, because it's true: no matter what you think you have planned out, it could all change in an instant. I feel like I'll be singing this to myself a lot when I'm out wondering the streets of New York, and maybe even smiling a little bit, thinking what good things could be waiting for me just around the next corner. 

iPhone Moments of 2014: Last Half

July

As a continuation of the previous installment of phone photos, which I'm sure you all enjoyed immensely, I didn't want to leave you hanging in any way, wondering what the rest of my year was like. 

So let me begin July's section with that time we traveled to the Virginia International Raceway for a work trip and got to play with a brand new 2015 Corvette Stingray. In case you don't know me all that well, I'm really into cars, so even though there were parts of this assignment that were annoying/miserable/all of the above, the video footage we came back with was inevitably cool... I mean, it had to be when this gorgeous piece of machinery was the subject.

My babysitting adventures with Ana also continued over the summer, and one of my favorite "selfies" of her and I occurred after we played Princess Beauty Shop and I got my hair did... with a blow dryer that only worked if you made the appropriate "swshhhhhh" sound, and hair barrettes that I think I ended up pulling off quite nicely.

August

August was a busy and fun month, starting with the 2014 Gay Games, which were held in Cleveland, OH. The first Gay Games took place in San Francisco in 1982, and have contributed to the changing cultural, political and social attitudes toward the gay community over the years since its beginning. Having been held in locations around the globe, including Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and Germany, as well as New York and Chicago in the U.S., it was a really big deal for the Games to be hosted so close to home in Northeast OH. I knew I wanted to be a part of it, so I worked as a volunteer photographer for some of the events, and it was a really rewarding experience. And Cleveland was turned into a gay mecca for a week, with LGBT people from around the world staying in the city.

Also noteworthy in August was the week I put myself on a smoothie diet. Not really for any reason... I just felt like I had been eating a lot of junk food at the time (which I actually do ALL the time) and wanted to give my body a break. I tried a week-long juice fast a couple of years prior and was completely miserable, but it did get me back on a track of eating healthier. For at least a while, that is. I was proud of myself for sticking to my plan since it's something that's quite difficult to do by oneself, especially given how much I really enjoy eating.

The end of the month was a very busy time at work, as it was the christening event for Goodyear's newest airship, which had been completed earlier in the year. Robin Roberts, host of ABC's Good Morning America, accepted Goodyear's invitation to be the official blimp christener, so she traveled to Akron for the event and I somehow ended up being the lucky videographer who got to go on the inaugural blimp ride with her that day. 

September

I tend to get a little sad in September because it's that transitioning month between summer & autumn. It's always a little difficult to let go of the warmer weather and summer activities, but once fall rolls around, I remember how much I love it. On one of the last semi-warm afternoons, Tyler and I stopped at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time because we were in the mood for a giant glass of Redd's, and it was delightful.

Hanging out with Tyler outside of the office is usually an unpredictable experience, and that's pretty much how one evening went when we decided to all go out after work together. You know those pictures on your phone that you find in the morning after an interesting night out? And think, Oh yeah, THAT happened? 

I can't even believe I'm including these two gems because I know my mom reads this...

October

I enjoy October because it's officially sweater weather, and I really love layering up with shirts, scarves and jackets. I packed up a suitcase of all the fall layering essentials and headed out to New York to visit my lovely little friend, Alexandra, because I had been wanting to enjoy all the fall delights in the city. 

Even though the leaves hadn't started changing colors in Central Park yet, which I was hoping for, we did plenty of other fun things that showcased autumn in New York: I saw Coney Island for the first time, had my first breakfast at Tom's Restaurant in Brooklyn, and got to ride the Staten Island Ferry during an amazing sunset.

 And I hope you didn't think I forgot to pick up cupcakes for myself from Magnolia...

November

After that visit, I had pretty much made up my mind that New York was where I wanted to be. There are so many amazing things to see and places to go, so far beyond any tourist trap or famous landmark. I'm so ready to start exploring and discovering new things. And I'm glad I got to spend some time there with my sister in November... she's a really great exploring buddy. Although with the two of us trying to find our way around the city, it was almost like the blind leading the blind! But we eventually found all of our destinations.

We were there just a bit too early to see the Rockefeller tree lit up, but as it turns out, it's just as stunning with the lights off...

On my last day there, I got my first tour of Queens, checked out Flushing Meadows-Corona Park, saw the New York Pavilion and learned lots about the 1964 World's Fair. I also took a ton of photos of the spectacular Unisphere, the iconic sculpture constructed to represent the theme of that World's Fair, "Peace Through Understanding." Can't wait to visit in the warmer months when the fountains are running.

December

As far as December goes, I didn't really take many phone pics, but it was an emotional work month... My work husband Jeff, who I enjoyed working with so much over the past few years, left the office after picking up an amazing opportunity to work as a video producer for the Cleveland Browns. He waited a long time for that position to become available, and I'm so glad everything finally worked out. I will always miss working with him -- we complemented each other in really crazy ways; I usually refer to him as the other half of my video brain. If I forgot to grab something for a shoot, he'd already have it in the equipment bag. He'd never let me carry anything heavy, and would always open doors for me. We have the same sense of humor, too, and always had each other's backs. #bros4lyfe

One of my favorite pics of us... Sometimes we even dressed alike...

My other little darling Tyler also flew the coop and landed in San Francisco. When he announced his departure a couple of months prior, I thought for a brief moment of going out there with him (since it's one of my favorite cities) so we could get an apartment together, but had a moment of clarity in realizing he annoys me too damn much.

But then he does weird stuff like this and I love him all over again...

I also gave my notice at work and let everyone know that I'd be leaving at the end of January. It was such a relief just knowing that I had finally set a time frame for myself and that I wouldn't be stuck anymore. It was the first big step to get the ball rolling on my big adventure, and while change is always a scary thing, especially when leaving a job you know well, it's definitely time to try a new challenge and give myself some more room to grow. 

iPhone Moments of 2014: First Half

I'm definitely not a person who is always on my phone. I use it to make phone calls, to text, to use Google Maps if I get myself really, really lost somewhere, and sometimes to take pictures. Actually, one of my greatest accomplishments is that I'm still running iOS 6.1 on it, and refuse to update the software unless I get to a point where I absolutely have to. Sometimes I'm just stubborn like that.

I'm not constantly on Facebook, or Instagram, and I don't even spend as much time on Pinterest as I used to. I don't feel like I need to share everything I'm doing or thinking constantly... Goodmorning, Facebook! I'm brushing my teeth right now! or, Hey Instagram, check out my amazing lunch at this super-cool restaurant #OMG #sogood... But I will share things from time to time that I feel are worthwhile. Which is why I started this blog.

So in the spirit of this being the time when everyone reflects on what they saw/did/accomplished over the past year, I was going through the photos I took on my phone... a majority of which feature my cat, Harley (but I'll spare you most of those)... and thought maybe I'd do a little recap of a few of my favorite phone files.

January

My dear friend Alexandra and I chatted online a lot at the beginning of the year about some of the hardships life can deal one's way. We're both very similar in our ways of thinking about things, and oftentimes when I can't find the right words to put a thought together, she manages to say the most perfect and relevant things; it's quite extraordinary. She's also an avid reader, and has so many amazing literary passages memorized. When I was having a particularly bad day, she pulled this quote out of her pocket, from one of her favorite books, Evening, by Susan Minot.

My mom and I went to see Chicago at the Cleveland Playhouse Theater. She got me into musicals at a very young age, and ever since, seeing musical productions has been one of our favorite things to do together. (Chicago is one of our most-loved.)

The next January moment took place at a conference for work that happens at the same time every year. When the event was over, my coworkers and I decided to "celebrate" with several alcoholic bevvies, including pineapple upside down shots and Washington apple shots. Wasn't there also a buttery nipple thrown in there for good measure?

February

My bro Jeff & I worked together to construct a lengthy timelapse video of that previously mentioned conference, using 2 DSLR cameras and 5 GoPros. When we were back in the office and I began looking through the footage, I accidentally stumbled upon this brilliant and unintentional selfie.

OK so ONE cat photo... He is my best cuddle buddy, especially on cold winter nights where we find ourselves snuggled on the couch, wrapped up in a warm blanket. When he's not biting my ankles or digging his needle-like claws into my arms, he's a big fluffy sweetie, and I just love him to pieces.

Four of my best girlfriends and I have had a longstanding date on Valentine's Day every year. For 2014, we got especially fancy and treated ourselves to dinner at Gervasi Vineyard, and I wore this fabulous shirt/tie/blazer combo with a then-new pocket square. I don't often spend $75 on dinner for myself, but sometimes you have to treat yourself like fabulous queen you are.

March

My birthday is on the 4th, and this year just happened to be #30... So my mom and I drove down to Asheville, NC, to meet my sister, and the three of us girls stayed in the cutest little cabin and had ourselves a great time. My sister also treated me to a day at the fabulous Grove Park Inn Spa, where we all lounged in pools, steam rooms & saunas, and I got my first-ever massage.

Also for my birthday, I got a special delivery from New York: Half a dozen Magnolia cupcakes from the most thoughtful gift-giver I know (she knows who she is).

I had never played "beer pong" until this past year at my bro Jeff's house for his famous (infamous?) St. Patrick's day party. Since he knows I don't care much for beer, we even played with Angry Orchard. I heart him.

April

One of my boyfriends also turned 30, and his wife threw a very impressive surprise birthday party at their home in Cleveland. Since he didn't know he'd be going to his own party later, complete with family visiting from out of town, he showed up super-drunk and ended up being the star of the party in more ways than one.

I started looking for apartments in Cleveland, pretty sure that's where I was wanting to move at that point. I had a couple of job interviews that month, but of course nothing panned out... and now I know it's because I was supposed to be going down another path.

I'm Crazy Aunt Jean to a number of my friends' children, and it's a role I very much enjoy. I always beg my friend Rebecca to let me babysit her adorably rambunctious daughter, Ana, and we always have the best time hanging out together. Unless one of us is being a brat.

May

In May, my darling friend Audra turned 30 and had a Kentucky Derby-themed party at a wine bar in Columbus. In addition to fancy dresses, big hats and good wine, the evening also included midnight bowling and a late-night stop into McDonald's to satisfy a McFlurry craving (not mine).

My good friend Erin (who also turned 30 this year), welcomed her third baby to the world, Grady. He currently resides with his two older and extremely sassy sisters, and they all make up just about the cutest little family you ever did see.

Once the warm weather kicked in, margarita happy hours started up after work. Pictured below are Tyler and Yessica, two divas who provided all sorts of entertainment this year both inside and outside of the office.

June

I love the beginning of summer... wearing shorts and t-shirts, driving in the evenings with my car windows down, sipping on iced lattes on warm, sunny afternoons, and going to cookouts with good friends. In the picture below are the ingredients that made some killer s'mores on the first Friday of June at a little girls' cookout with a couple of my best ladies. NOTE: nothing will ever beat dark chocolate and peanut butter smashed between two graham crackers with a giant, gooey marshmallow.

My mom and I went to see the Doobie Brothers, one of her favorite bands, at the Akron Civic Theater, one of our most-loved local venues. Unfortunately, her favorite member Michael McDonald wasn't in attendance, but she talked about what her life was like back when this group was popular, and listening to stories about my mom in her younger years is just about one of my favorite things.

The month ended on a "high" note (pun intended, keep reading) when I got to go on my first-ever helicopter ride to shoot aerial videography of the new Goodyear blimp. I'm actually terrified of heights, so I was quite nervous thinking about flying around with the doors off, strapped in by only a lap belt. But it was the most beautiful sunny and clear morning, and the warm wind that was blowing through my hair and across my face made me feel very much at ease. 

Stay tuned for the second installment... More work adventures, babysitting and probably another cat photo or ten. (My life is quite exciting, you know.)